Reflections
by serotonin
Summary: Alanna does some thinking when she is a page...a songfic to Mulan's Reflection


Hey guys this is a songfic to Christina Aguilera's song Reflection, from the movie Mulan. When I first heard this song, I thought, that sounds just like what Alanna must have gone through when she was studying to be a knight. So then I wrote a songfic, which is set in Alanna's third year as a page, and she is kind of depressed. I won't tell you any more, just read it for yourself. I hope that you like it, cause I don't really, but some of my friends told me that it was good so I trust there judgement more than I do my own. If you think that it stinks, just tell me that and I'll take it off here and just keep it on my computer and in my head. I shouldn't bore you so much at the beginning of such a *cough* exciting *cough* story, I mean songfic. But please just read and review and tell me what you think of it.  
  
By the way, "blah" is talking, 'blah' is thinking and *blah* is lyrics.  
  
*Look at me  
  
You may think you see  
  
Who I really am  
  
But you'll never know me*  
  
"Come one Alan, it won't hurt you to swim just this once. Please?" begged Raoul and Gary.  
  
"No! I don't like swimming so just leave me alone for once!" Storming off, Alanna felt a prickling sensation in the corners of her eyes. 'Mithros, why am I about to cry over something as silly as that? It's not as though they haven't said things like that before.' she thought to herself as she pinched her ear to keep the tears from falling. 'If only they knew the reason why I don't swim. They don't know how I am at all. If only I could tell them, it would be so much simpler.'  
  
*Every day it's as if I play a part  
  
Now I see if wear a mask  
  
I can fool the world  
  
But I cannot fool my heart*  
  
Slowly walking back to her room, Alanna carefully swiped at her eyes to make sure no more tears where there. 'What would the others think if they saw me crying? They'd say that I was acting all girlish, not knowing that I am a girl. I hate to lie to them. It just doesn't feel right.'  
  
Standing in front of her large mirror, Alanna cast a quick eye over herself.  
  
*Who is that girl I see?  
  
Staring straight back at me  
  
When will my reflection show  
  
1 Who I am inside*  
  
'Who am I really? Alan or Alanna? Some times even I think that I do not know the answer.'  
  
*I live now  
  
In a world where I  
  
Have to hide my heart  
  
2 And what I believe in*  
  
'If only the King hadn't said that women couldn't be warriors, then I wouldn't be standing here today, dressed up as page Alan. I could have been page Alanna, the first lady page in over a hundred years. How I would have loved if that was the case. Then there would be no hassling over me not swimming, and I would be equal.'  
  
*But some how  
  
I will show the world  
  
What's inside my heart  
  
And be loved for who I am*  
  
'I'll show them though. I'll just have to prove that girls are just as equal as boys are. Then my father will be ashamed that he did not send me here in the first place, instead of wanting me to go to the convent. I prove it to him and Thom and Coram and Maude and everyone else out there. They'll see what I can do, and they will scream and shout when I go by "Long live Alanna, the first female knight in a century." I'll show them.'  
  
*Who is that girl I see?  
  
Staring straight back at me  
  
Why is my reflection  
  
Some one I don't know*  
  
Pulling off her dirty shirt and breeches, Alanna quickly changed into her good pages uniform. She had to go serve dinner shortly and she didn't want to be late again. The last time she was late, Duke Gareth had made her do an extra hour of maths for three weeks. She liked maths, but not that much.  
  
*Must I pretend that I'm  
  
Someone else for all time  
  
When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside*  
  
Walking to the dinning hall, she bumped into Jon.  
  
"Come on Alan, we don't want to be late do we?" he asked.  
  
"I'm coming Jon, don't get you're loincloth in a twist." She replied.  
  
"Well some one's on a bad mood aren't they? What do you think Gary?" he asked of his cousin who had walked up behind them.  
  
"Hmm. Oh sorry Jon, Alan. I didn't hear you."  
  
"Thinking of some lovely court lady again my dearest cousin Gary?"  
  
Blocking the rest of the conversation out, Alanna began thinking again. 'When will I be able to tell them that I have lied to them for the whole time that I have known them? I can't not tell them, but when could I do it?"  
  
*There's a heart that must be  
  
Free to fly*  
  
'I'll have to tell them before I leave. I want to travel the world, met new people, and see new places. How can I do that without first telling them my secret? It would be impossible. I just couldn't do it. And what if one of them wanted to come with me?'  
  
*That burn's  
  
With the need to know  
  
The reason why  
  
Why must we all conceal  
  
What we think  
  
3 How we feel*  
  
"Have you heard a word that I have said Alan? Alan? Hello in there, are you awake Alan?"  
  
"Huh. Sorry Raoul, what did you say?"  
  
"I said we have to go through that move again, I don't think I know what we're supposed to be doing yet."  
  
"Okay first you…" Alanna finished showing Raoul what the maneuver was and went back over what she had been thinking about last night. 'I don't even know why I am thinking all these things. I've only been here three years; it's not like I've been lying to them forever. Still, I do wish I could tell them, but no! That's impossible.'  
  
*Must there be a secret me  
  
I'm forced to hide  
  
I won't pretend that I'm  
  
Some one else  
  
4 For all time*  
  
Alanna curled up in a ball, wishing she would fall asleep, before she resigned herself to her thoughts once more. 'I must tell them. I must. I just can't do it now. It will have to wait. But I don't want to be Alan for the rest of my life. I want to be me, Alanna. I want to be able to say proudly "My names Alanna, what's yours?" Then I will be happy.  
  
*When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside  
  
When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside*  
  
~~~  
  
I hope that you guys like it, it is a really pretty song, but the Disney version is so much better, plus it's shorter. I hope that I haven't stuffed this songfic up. But if I have, feel free to tell me that. Fell free to tell me if you think it's good as well. I do love to read reviews. Especially good reviews. But bad ones will do all the same. Just as long as you read and review. 


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